I was standing in front of my mirror last night after washing off the day’s tasks and setbacks that seemed to have came along with it and even though I’ve seen this face and this body for the past 28 years of my life, bend and shape into the woman I see in the mirror every day, today, I couldn’t help but stop and truly admire myself:
“You are really freakin’ beautiful, Kris.”
No makeup, hair tied back in my usual twists and low bun, muscle definition showing up where I’ve been working so hard on achieving… Even the act of applying lotion onto my skin and massaging the areas that needed attention and care, this kind of love can’t be found anywhere else. No second hand could match a love greater than the one you have for yourself. I’m reminded: I am a masterpiece. And I am in constant progress and blooming at a beautiful rate. I need to be more appreciative of myself for the tenacity I have each day to show up and give it all I got: wide eyed, beaming smile and always ready to bring laughter and joy into my day.
It can be so easy to lose sight of yourself when you’re focusing so much on pleasing everybody else. “You’re so selfish, you only think about yourself,” they will say— but why not? I think for somebody like me, I deserve to be selfish sometimes. I deserve to do things my way after following after someone else for so long. I deserve happiness and I deserve to know and grow within myself.
Something that a lot of people don’t know about me is that I struggle with a lot of insecurities and self-doubt. My biggest insecurity is within my competency and that has a lot to do with the way I grew up, how I was bullied for being small and key moments in my past that still affect me to this day, etc. It caused me to have this conversation in my head that “I’m not good enough because I’m not as big as everyone else,” and working to be the best at what I do is how I compensated for that unsupportive belief.
Well. This unsupportive belief came back to haunt me today when a member at my gym— who I give the utmost benefit of the doubt that he never meant to be attacking or hurtful— commented on my lack of ability to do pull-ups as a trainer, causing me to spend the rest of my next 30 minutes trying to pull myself together, heart tearing up inside.
How silly is that, I kept thinking to myself: I’m crying my eyes out over pull-ups. Over the one pull up that I was able to do unassisted— which that in itself was already a huge feat for me because I didn’t even know I could do an unassisted pull-up on my own quite yet. My goal I even set with my trainer by the end of this year was to get 200lbs on deadlifts (currently at 180lbs… two more 10lb plates & I’m there!), and to be able to do at least 3 unassisted pull-ups.
But because I was allowing someone else’s opinion of my progress hinder my confidence, I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. That even if I’m a trainer, it doesn’t mean I’m supposed to know or be able to do everything. I’m still a badass at too many things to be worked up over one small thing like that. Again, I don’t claim to know everything but I strive every day to learn what I can. My job as a trainer is no different. I am constantly growing as a coach in the process.
Obviously it must have meant a lot to me, so here it is: this is where my pull-up journey begins. Not to give power to this guy but because even before his comments, it’s always been something I wanted to do. I’ll go ahead and let this be the catalyst to drive me to finally reach those goals and let actions speak for themselves. Like I’ve said before, this is our playground to grow and it’s the times like these that bring awareness to the dark spaces of our hearts where we can learn to glow brightly enough to bring light and love into those areas. Let’s learn to change the unsupportive conversations to ones that do empower us: I am a confident, passionate and powerful woman. And this is only a step in my journey in discovering my greatness.