I’ve been sitting in my seat fighting back tears this entire day for an ending I knew was coming. The vein that had to be severed and allowed to bleed out til there was nothing left for this beating heart to beat for.
Break-ups are tricky. They are a reminder of what wasn’t working, all the things you ask yourself what went wrong and your insecurities seem to fly back into your face of why this didn’t work. Break-ups are feedback; and feedback isn’t always negative. In this particular case, this feedback served it’s purpose, and until about an hour ago when the realization dawned upon me that this was divinely planned to allow for my release and allow for my freedom, my heart immediately started to heal. The thought that came to mind was:
“You loved with good intention.”
And I can be proud of myself for that.
I loved with purpose. I fought with fire in my heart. I gave a shit. I cried a lot. Because I cared. A lot. But I cared so much more than what could ever be reciprocated back on a level that I deserved. And the proudest moment for me in this realization is the quicker I’ve become at recognizing when to call it quits before it becomes a toxic habit of complacency and I start to bring myself back down on dark paths and spiraling cycles of destructive coping mechanisms (smoking, drinking, sex, etc. Thank you 5+ years of counseling to help me recognize this!)
And this brings me back to my ex-boyfriend of three years ago. The root of why this next person showed up in my life to teach me the lesson I didn’t learn with him.
To put a long story short, in 2012, I was in a 1 1/2 year relationship with someone who I believed was my twin soul. Our birthdays were the same, we finished each others sentences, we thought alike and found the same things hilarious, he truly was my very best friend and I couldn’t be apart from him. Even in pictures, we were so damn cute together.. But our relationship ended abruptly when I had just gone through a period of depressive episodes and suicidal tendencies and was put on anti-depressants to calm me down. With our luck, I had forgotten to get my prescription refilled before the weekend and when my panic attack became too unbearable and he wasn’t willing to leave his friends to comfort me in my panic, I knew it was time to end things, not because of anything he did wrong, but because of my dependency on him for security and comfort was to the point where if I couldn’t have him there to take care of me, I was shit out of luck, and then who would be there to save me? From then on, I saved myself the heartache and have always made it a point to strive for independence in my relationships. From then on, I closed that chapter and refused to come anywhere near reopening it again. I didn’t allow myself to even think of him.. until this last year, 3 years later, a folder marked “HONEYBEE LADYBUG” was buried in my files, and just like a time capsule, all of our pictures came flooding onto my screen and the glow of love and joy in our eyes brought me back to the days where I remembered what it was like to truly LOVE and TRUST someone again. Something that I had been missing for three years in my failed relationships and here I am witnessing it again with someone who was so right for me—but I was completely the wrong person at the time to truly appreciate this person for who he was to me.
Fast-forward to today, it’s true when they say: “Things happen for a reason.” You meet certain people not by chance, but by DESIGN, and my most recent break-up was evidence of just that. He came at just the right time where I started to question, what ever happened back there? What did I do wrong? What was the lesson I was supposed to learn three years ago that I’m still not getting? I’ve come to find that sometimes, when we lose people unexpectedly and our hearts are still yearning to search for meaning in these goodbyes, we attract another person to teach us more about the lesson we missed the first, and sometimes second time around. This was my chance to finally say goodbye to “Honeybee” and learn with “Wolfie Bear” what I didn’t learn before, now with more experience under my belt and a heart more open and resilient than ever. While I know he could hardly be even remotely crushed by the news I brought him today, I still have good faith that I brought a little joy and laughter into his life for the short time he allowed me in..
The future is bright and I have a lot of awesome people around me, supportive down ass girlfriends, and a great smile and infectious energy that attracts so many amazing people into my life. I used to always tell myself, “When it hurts, smile through it…” Now, I allow myself to cry it the fuck out, [ R E F L E C T ] and move the fuck on… Cheers to surviving heartaches and finding strength in your own inner beauty and ageless wisdom to push on through.
It’s time to hone in on getting clear about the outcome I’m expecting out of this next year: to truly give myself that chance to be single and independent; not repeat the old habits or patterns that didn’t give me the results I wanted and try something new that will; and finally, go all the way out. Pour my fucking heart out and give the world what I got. No more apologizing or second-guessing myself if I’m “too crazy,” “too wild,” “too much,” for anyone—I’m more than enough for me.
I deserve to be this happy again, now that I’m a little wiser and my love for myself is a little stronger. Until then, this is my reminder that joy and happiness starts with trusting with an open heart. Thank you for loving me when you did, Chadd. Better late than never, but I will always appreciate you.