My Deterioration as a Mother

I’ve had a few moments, signs, divine interventions or whatever else you want to call it, this morning that have reaffirmed my belief that even though things are tough right now, as a mother I am doing the VERY BEST I CAN for my son and very soon things are going to get better. Here’s why.

This last week has been a rocky one, and the fuel inside me has been on empty. I’ve been waking up every morning only to make sure my son gets to school on time to have a good breakfast and I come home to realize how much work is needed to be done at home, how much– or more like, how ALL of it is what I have to take care of on my own and immediately I want to cry. While I hate to appear weak and incapable and even more so in my solitude feel the inadequacy of not being able to pull myself together, it’s been me against myself this week. Dishes that have been piled up since Thanksgiving, half-done piles of sorted dirty laundry and not even touched baskets of clean clothes needing to be folded and put away. Hell, for 3 days I’ve given Adrian my socks because mommy still hasn’t done the load of whites. I’ve sat here asking myself *When will things change for me?? Am I always going to be this stressed out, overworked, time-crunched for everything?? Will I ever get any help?* 

And I knew I couldn’t do this forever. Day 1, I at least allowed myself the afternoon while my son was in school to sleep/cry/sleep (in that order), pick him up from school and take him with me to work until my aunt picked him up. As I sat there in my downtime at work, I wrote a list. I call it my Manifest List and I usually write one every New Moon if there are things I’m truly wishing for to be brought into my life. On this list I wrote each item on there as if I already had it– and that is the most important part: the belief and feeling that I already had it. I imagined what it would feel like in all aspects, what would my mood be like every day if I had this “one thing” in my life? What opportunities could it open up that would lead me to where my heart truly wants to go?

The most amazing part is that as soon as I shifted into this belief that I already had it, the Universe was already going to work for my blessings. 

By Day 2, I was losing hope fast because 1) I’m impatient 2) I’m not always aware of how powerful my intentions are and that everything I’ve ever asked for has in one way or another come true, if not now, then later when the timing is right. 

This is what I needed to understand about the Universe– we can only be granted the things we want as long as it’s for the highest “good” for us and everyone concerned. I use “good” in that way because sometimes what appears to be “bad” can always be interpreted as a blessing in disguise as long as you are open and honest with yourself about the lesson you’re supposed to take from it. 

As soon as I felt myself trying to negotiate with the Universe to bring me what I wanted “my way” and on ” my terms” is when I had to stop and realize that what I was doing was trying to force what wasn’t natural to happen and remembered that the Tao (the way) will always flow to you in all the right timing and in the right frequency.. Worry and anger/frustration are one of the lowest frequencies we can operate from, and only from our highest frequencies of love and joy can we create our biggest dreams into reality.

Day 3 the Universe started to uncover my deepest desires I wrote on that piece of paper.. and all it took was a little patience, and the understanding of letting go. 

“Everything is by design.”

I hope this helps anyone who’s been going through this week just like I have, to take a moment, breathe the heaviness in in acknowledgement and then breathe it all out in release. You are not bound by your struggles unless you allow yourself to be. 

And a special ending note to my fellow moms out there: you are doing great. I had to remind myself of that this morning. I’m doing the best I can with what I have, and when I really took the moment to recognize myself for what I’ve accomplished this past year all in the best interests of my son, I stopped being so overly critical of myself for all the things I haven’t been able to give him yet. 

We don’t come into motherhood with owners manuals or a set of guides to follow for every hardship we come across. And even more so for single mothers, there are times we need to be both mom and dad in that moment regardless if dad is present in their lives or not. Follow the pull of your heart and it will always lead you well. Just know that every part of our path as mothers was designed specifically for our evolution. We never start off or even end our time as mothers with perfect records but we always do our best every day for our children. Honor and acknowledge yourself for that: You are a wonderful mother.

2 thoughts on “My Deterioration as a Mother

  1. Fighting Reality says:

    Your honesty is so refreshing. I love the idea of writing down something like you already have it. Yesterday, I was working on something called “a day in the life” journal entry. It’s writing in the present tense what you imagine your perfect life would be in a single day. It’s an exercise I’m trying to help me manifest my dreams/wants/wishes. From what it looks like, you’re doing a fantastic job. And thank you for the reminder that moms are doing everything they can to give us a life and world that keeps them loved, safe, and fed. I’m not a mother, but have so much respect for my friends who have taken on this role with fierce determination.

  2. xtineninja says:

    That “Day in the Life” prompt sounds like an amazing way to bring in the law of attraction to life! I think I might start my own! Is it something you do in the morning to help ground you for your day ahead?

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